Dear diary ..

So i feel that i am always a mess, i am always so anxious about something, graduating, getting a job, leaving my job, getting married, moving to another country, dad’s death, mother’s sickness, my sickness, always there is a thing thay makes me horrible and angry.

Now i feel overwhelmed, about everything, and it is affecting me so much.

I don’t know what to do, or how to handle my worrying about my family and my brother.

I feel that i am cut into half, how am i supposed to be happy and move on when my brother is taken into custody and we dont know anything about what will happen to him.

It is like my happiness is cursed, i get graduated my dad dies, i get married my brother gets arrested.

I should be satisfied with my fate but i am not, i am trying but i feel that i will lose my family and this is driving me nuts.

I need a hug and a way to calm down.

6 .. 5 .. 4 .. 3 .. 2 ..

So today i just noticed that on 2010 we were 6 in our home, my dad, my grandmother, my mum, my brother, my sister and me.

I was always complaining about how it is always crowded and full of people.

Now it is only 2 , my mum and my sister, maybe i was the only one who left this house for a happy reason.

At first my grandmother got cancer and died, then my dad died in his work in hurdagha because of a sudden heartattack, then almost 53 days ago i travelled to get married and then 3 days after my travelling my brother got arrested.

It aches my heart that now it is only my mum and my sister.

Thank Allah for the blessings, for the good people, for the smiles and laughter.

But i can’t believe till nw, Abduallah is in jail.

Oh Allah ..

Alhamduliallah for everything ..

Thank God for all hardship .. اللهم هوّن

New

Today i have been in The Netherlands for almost 45 days.

I have so much to say, so much, so as usual i will say it here.

I am staying in haarlem, a nice pretty place, i dont personally know anyone yet, i wish i would know more people soon.

Since i arrived i was worried and i was right to worry, my brother was taken in custody by police in egypt, he was taken on 29/3/2015 and for 10 days we didnt know where he was, or they didnt as i was not told except 4 days ago.

Now he is in jail for the investigation.

I cant believe it all.

I want him out and happy and fine.

My brother, the one i prepared food for everyday, my little brother.

I have no idea what to do.

Here i am out of the hell hole that called egypt and i still get its flames.

Please God let him out.

Please.

A job.

I have always seperated between the two decisions, getting married and starting a family, but on my list of the most scary thing i can ever do, they were always number 1 and 2, i never dreamt of them, i never wanted them, i want other stuff, but the first thing has happened, i put the bar so high and yet it happened, and i am so grateful it did, no one can ever feel or know how much i am grateful it happened.

For months now i was observing and reading about marriages, how to make it work, how to be successful, how to stay happy and grateful.

Most of the people and articles say that people should maintain thier individuality and be interdependant, and dont just melt into your marriage or relationship.

Maybe this is the most part that interest me because it needs me to stay aware, to stay passionate and search and just not get comfortable and accept it.

But now here is the question, how to prevent myself from being a house wife? How to prevent myself from being my own not so good version of myself? I really respect house wives and staying at home mums, but it is not for me, i hate corporates, but i never hated to work, my soul needs a quest, a personal achievment, a personal arena for my battles and expanding.

Those days i am reapplying and researching for a job in the place that i am supposed to go to but nothing comes back.

I stay at night reading and studying, and sometime crying, i am so scared of this not happening, most of the girls i know that relocated due to thier husbands’ relocation didnt find a job.

I need a job, not because i dont like to stay at home, at all, i adore staying at home and i never get bored while staying alone, i am an introvert and this is my place.

I need a job because as i said, i need a quest, i need to know more, i need more of life, this is how i get this passion and fire inside of me, the feeling that i love that comes from feeling internally that i am successful and helped in building something.

I need a job because it brings independant life, it prevents people from getting soaked into thier marriages and relationships and kids.

Again, i need a job.

Another thing i need and it is totally up to Allah to help me for it.

So please Allah, please please help me.

And for whoever read this, pray for me or wish me luck.

Pray ..

This is one of the first times in my life to have down time for that long, i am really not ok, i feel homeless all the time, i feel that i dont belong here, that everything i do because i have to, not because i want to, i am angry most of the time, or just silent, i have everything a person can get from stress, i just want to start, i want the ability to start, i want to be home, and i dont want to talk to anyone who will make me feel that i am just overacting because i am not.

Only God can help me, only him.

Please pray for me, pray for me to reach home and be safe and fine and happy.

Please pray.

Vows

It have been 40 days, and all what i can think about is all the challenges that we will face, all the happy and weird things, all the questions and the points, some times i am happy, other i am freaking out, panicing, this year i have a challenge, new life, new job, new places, new home, it is not happening now but it maybe soon or maybe later, no idea.

I look back, i had many other challenges, bad days, weird, awkward, is was terrified, and then it was ok, it was more than ok, then it was bad, c’est la vie, this is life, you have to take the good with the bad and try your best, do your best and just believe it will work out some how, it will.

I am scared of another thing, the idea of plans, i feel it will be ruined, i feel it will be not good, i feel that, i am always scared of that, i worry, sometimes i dont which is a progress but some other times i do.

Oh God, let it be please, allow it to happen, allow me to do that, please.

So for the start or all that, and for the start of a new year and new many things, i have some vows to myself.

I vow to myself that i will always try to be better, i will always try to be the best version of me, to be the strong girl that i am, and that i will have trust in god and myself.

I vow to myself that i will try to deal with stuff as calmly as possible and i will try my best not to lose it over anything.

I vow to believe, to trust and to have faith.

May Allah help me to keep my vow and Thanks Allah for everything.