I have always seperated between the two decisions, getting married and starting a family, but on my list of the most scary thing i can ever do, they were always number 1 and 2, i never dreamt of them, i never wanted them, i want other stuff, but the first thing has happened, i put the bar so high and yet it happened, and i am so grateful it did, no one can ever feel or know how much i am grateful it happened.
For months now i was observing and reading about marriages, how to make it work, how to be successful, how to stay happy and grateful.
Most of the people and articles say that people should maintain thier individuality and be interdependant, and dont just melt into your marriage or relationship.
Maybe this is the most part that interest me because it needs me to stay aware, to stay passionate and search and just not get comfortable and accept it.
But now here is the question, how to prevent myself from being a house wife? How to prevent myself from being my own not so good version of myself? I really respect house wives and staying at home mums, but it is not for me, i hate corporates, but i never hated to work, my soul needs a quest, a personal achievment, a personal arena for my battles and expanding.
Those days i am reapplying and researching for a job in the place that i am supposed to go to but nothing comes back.
I stay at night reading and studying, and sometime crying, i am so scared of this not happening, most of the girls i know that relocated due to thier husbands’ relocation didnt find a job.
I need a job, not because i dont like to stay at home, at all, i adore staying at home and i never get bored while staying alone, i am an introvert and this is my place.
I need a job because as i said, i need a quest, i need to know more, i need more of life, this is how i get this passion and fire inside of me, the feeling that i love that comes from feeling internally that i am successful and helped in building something.
I need a job because it brings independant life, it prevents people from getting soaked into thier marriages and relationships and kids.
Again, i need a job.
Another thing i need and it is totally up to Allah to help me for it.
So please Allah, please please help me.
And for whoever read this, pray for me or wish me luck.