A little bit of hope :D

So the good news is that i lost 10 kg of my weight and for those who know me. know that i always try to lose weight, ALWAYS since almost 15 years ago.

But i actually started dieting on 2007 i was +35 from my target weight.

Then i got into college and stayed in there for 6 years, after 4 years i lost total of 35 kg but with the most wrong ways.

then i started gaining again, i gained back 20 kg of the 35 that i lost.

and not i lost 10 of the 20.

And i will never quit, and i will always try to do that.

I’m happy :D so happy of that :D

10 Done and another 10 to go !

Special thanks to the person who helps and encourages me always .. He know himself ;) :D

 

 

Re-evaluation.

I think this is the first time in my life that i really have time to reevaluate my life and my relationships without any influence.

I sat and thought and i discovered that some friendships are wrong and i should go away in peace and i knew other people that i mistreated in a bad way and i should appologize and others who mistreated me.

The people i mistreated were the people who were so there for me and good with me, i got confused and got away, but i have to make it right.

I think i have never been more clear and also more lost.

I knew that i want a job really badly, i knew that i like baking in a way no one can imagine.

I am ok, i feel more peaceful than ever, more insync inner and out.

I wish my brother would be ok and for myself to get a job.

Dear diary ..

So i feel that i am always a mess, i am always so anxious about something, graduating, getting a job, leaving my job, getting married, moving to another country, dad’s death, mother’s sickness, my sickness, always there is a thing thay makes me horrible and angry.

Now i feel overwhelmed, about everything, and it is affecting me so much.

I don’t know what to do, or how to handle my worrying about my family and my brother.

I feel that i am cut into half, how am i supposed to be happy and move on when my brother is taken into custody and we dont know anything about what will happen to him.

It is like my happiness is cursed, i get graduated my dad dies, i get married my brother gets arrested.

I should be satisfied with my fate but i am not, i am trying but i feel that i will lose my family and this is driving me nuts.

I need a hug and a way to calm down.

6 .. 5 .. 4 .. 3 .. 2 ..

So today i just noticed that on 2010 we were 6 in our home, my dad, my grandmother, my mum, my brother, my sister and me.

I was always complaining about how it is always crowded and full of people.

Now it is only 2 , my mum and my sister, maybe i was the only one who left this house for a happy reason.

At first my grandmother got cancer and died, then my dad died in his work in hurdagha because of a sudden heartattack, then almost 53 days ago i travelled to get married and then 3 days after my travelling my brother got arrested.

It aches my heart that now it is only my mum and my sister.

Thank Allah for the blessings, for the good people, for the smiles and laughter.

But i can’t believe till nw, Abduallah is in jail.

Oh Allah ..

Alhamduliallah for everything ..

Thank God for all hardship .. اللهم هوّن

New

Today i have been in The Netherlands for almost 45 days.

I have so much to say, so much, so as usual i will say it here.

I am staying in haarlem, a nice pretty place, i dont personally know anyone yet, i wish i would know more people soon.

Since i arrived i was worried and i was right to worry, my brother was taken in custody by police in egypt, he was taken on 29/3/2015 and for 10 days we didnt know where he was, or they didnt as i was not told except 4 days ago.

Now he is in jail for the investigation.

I cant believe it all.

I want him out and happy and fine.

My brother, the one i prepared food for everyday, my little brother.

I have no idea what to do.

Here i am out of the hell hole that called egypt and i still get its flames.

Please God let him out.

Please.

A job.

I have always seperated between the two decisions, getting married and starting a family, but on my list of the most scary thing i can ever do, they were always number 1 and 2, i never dreamt of them, i never wanted them, i want other stuff, but the first thing has happened, i put the bar so high and yet it happened, and i am so grateful it did, no one can ever feel or know how much i am grateful it happened.

For months now i was observing and reading about marriages, how to make it work, how to be successful, how to stay happy and grateful.

Most of the people and articles say that people should maintain thier individuality and be interdependant, and dont just melt into your marriage or relationship.

Maybe this is the most part that interest me because it needs me to stay aware, to stay passionate and search and just not get comfortable and accept it.

But now here is the question, how to prevent myself from being a house wife? How to prevent myself from being my own not so good version of myself? I really respect house wives and staying at home mums, but it is not for me, i hate corporates, but i never hated to work, my soul needs a quest, a personal achievment, a personal arena for my battles and expanding.

Those days i am reapplying and researching for a job in the place that i am supposed to go to but nothing comes back.

I stay at night reading and studying, and sometime crying, i am so scared of this not happening, most of the girls i know that relocated due to thier husbands’ relocation didnt find a job.

I need a job, not because i dont like to stay at home, at all, i adore staying at home and i never get bored while staying alone, i am an introvert and this is my place.

I need a job because as i said, i need a quest, i need to know more, i need more of life, this is how i get this passion and fire inside of me, the feeling that i love that comes from feeling internally that i am successful and helped in building something.

I need a job because it brings independant life, it prevents people from getting soaked into thier marriages and relationships and kids.

Again, i need a job.

Another thing i need and it is totally up to Allah to help me for it.

So please Allah, please please help me.

And for whoever read this, pray for me or wish me luck.